After weeks of it being in the low 50s and 60s, this weekend's temperature of 95 degrees really threw us for a loop. It is mid May here in the city, but the temperature caught us off guard. It has been rainy for a few weeks, and there was no smooth transition of cold to hot. And honestly, there is never a smooth transition of anything in the city, not even the weather. I always say that in New York, you are always sweating year round no matter what. Winter? You are sweating inside with all that heat turned up. Summer? Good luck finding an AC unit that is powerful enough to calm you down. And in the Fall and Spring, you are constantly sweating due to the random weather fluctuations that come and go. We are always rushing to get from point A to point B and by the time we are standing on the depths of a subway platform, there is always a slimy film of sweat on our skin. Now why the HECK am I talking about the weather? I have already stated on this blog that I hate small talk. And the weather is the go to topic for when people don't know what to talk about. But stick with me here, I swear I'm going somewhere with this.
I woke up on Saturday morning feeling like I could hear the sunshine in a way I cannot hear it during the colder months. The chirps of birds outside my bedroom window sounded EXTRA crisp. The glow of the light through the trees lining my street seemed ambient in a way I can't describe other than to say that the trees seemed happy. I felt happy, too. A little too happy. Looming texts from my friends and family consisting of, "what are you doing today?" and "it's so nice out!" and "make the most of this good weather!" freaked me out.
Every time this time of year comes around, it feels like the first time I have ever experienced joy. I marvel at the colors of the blooming flowers like a little kid and admire the bumble bees and fireflies and my body releases the tension it has held all winter. It all seems super relaxing and fun... but there is this small creeping feeling of anxiety that comes with it. I know these long, warm days won't last forever, and there is so much pressure to "make the most of it" while you still can. When it is 90 degrees, there is an urgency to do something. Do we go to the beach? Do we go to the park? Do we go for a walk? If you're anything like me and experience a little bit of seasonal depression, this flip of the switch in the weather can seem disorienting, and the pressure to cherish it all before it goes away again can seem crushing. It all feels a lot like being a kid who is granted a beautiful, colorful balloon to hold, and then accidentally letting go of the string. There is nothing to do but watch it float higher and higher into the sky until it is out of view. There is nothing to feel except the loss of something that was so fleeting in existence to begin with, it leaves you before you got to appreciate it.
Instead of scrambling to go out and do something like I have done in countless summers past, I instead turned on my AC, closed the blinds, and got cozy under the blanket on my couch. My boyfriend and I played a video game and ordered in. It was so fun and it took the pressure off of my programmed mind that was telling me that I have to do something productive just because the weather is nice outside. In 2019 Megan Thee Stallion blessed us with Hot Girl Summer, and in the summers following, there have been memes and jokes about what the next summer would be dubbed. For me personally, I think this summer will be more about staying out of the sun and inside with my AC. With everything that is going on in the world, I think we would all benefit from staying calm, cool, and collected. I personally have had to stay off the internet because of its extreme volatility at the moment, and sitting in front of my TV playing a Japanese video game from 2008 with the AC on feels like the best move right now.
I can't talk about the pressure of being in the moment without talking about the pressure of enjoying the next best moment. Perhaps it is capitalism, perhaps it is our obsession with marking our calendars, but the fact stands that we have a grotesque habit of rushing through the current season in preparation for the next. I remember walking into a Michael's craft store during the second week of January of this year and seeing Easter decorations hung up. In April of this year, I started to see countdowns to Halloween and excitedness over when it will be socially acceptable to watch Hocus Pocus and The Nightmare Before Christmas. Just as urgently as we are told to enjoy the present moment, we are also urged to consume, consume, consume the next thing. But why? And I am not trying to be a killjoy!!! Believe me! I absolutely adore watching Halloween movies and Christmas movies and I love a good Easter Egg Hunt! I love going out to the bars in Brooklyn on St. Patrick's Day and I cherish every time I can get together with my family on Thanksgiving. I love the holidays and I believe they should be appreciated. But talking about pumpkin picking in April doesn't seem to sit well with me. And I am all for planning ahead and making a good itinerary, but at what point does planning for the future ruin what's happening now? Do we prep for holidays six months out because we cannot sit with ourselves in the present moment? The second the season of Christmas starts, we see brands ramping up for Valentines Day. When does it end? Are we doomed to forever plan for events that act as a vehicle of distraction from ourselves? Maybe this is why on a sunny summer day, I feel the need to go out and do something because I am subliminally told to consume not only products, but experiences. Again, I love celebrating the holidays and I LOVE going to the beach and spending time at the park. I love going outside! But I do feel like there is a push to constantly be doing. And putting social media on top of that - documenting these experiences, it feels so daunting and I don't know if we as humans were meant to be so performative and to share so much. (Also, if you look into who is running these social platforms and who/what they stand for, it is such a let down and makes me think of the ethical complexity of it all. Oy!)
Besides the above, what we are seeing on a national scale right now is not only troubling, but personally conflicting. This past month's tragedies have really shaken me, and this is coming from a person who lives in America, where mass shootings happen all the time. Yes, yes I know. Another white woman on the internet complaining about gun reform and politics! But it has been getting me down. There has been a large conversation among women my age (especially on TikTok) on why we (as women) are not having children, and why it probably isn't a good idea at all. Many women have put their foot down and are sharing that they've never wanted children and saying that we should not be forced to give birth if we don't want to. Many women who do have children are coming out saying that the reason they have been able to become so successful in their careers (and can afford to have a baby in the first place) is because of their right to choose. The message that we are getting about the ban on abortions is contradicted when our nation's youngest cannot safely attend school without the threat of being gunned down. Why do so many people who hold political power in our country say that they are pro-life, but then say a school shooting "could have been worse" and tell parents that the mass murder of their child wasn't so bad? You want women to have babies but don't care what happens to those babies once they are out of the womb? It doesn't make any sense. This whole thing forces me to think and to be honest with myself. I do want children one day and I have always felt in my heart that I would be a great mom. I have been feeling major anxieties about the thought of sending a small child off to school in the United States, and I am not married and don't have any children. I can't even imagine what actual mothers in this country are feeling.
Days before the shooting in Uvalde, I saw a tweet about the fear of going into movie theatres since the Aurora, CO shooting back in 2012. I think about that all the time, and was shocked to see that so many others do too. Commenters also said that they felt fear going to concerts, and others agreed saying anywhere there is a large group of people gathered together is call for an alarm to go off in the mind. I read this tweet thread while on my way to work while riding the subway, another place where a mass shooting has taken place recently. This isn't fucking normal and we shouldn't be afraid of existing outside of our homes. These past few years have felt like a massive non-stop tragic event and I fear we are running out of band-aids to place on the cracked foundation of broken systemic issues. Those who have the power to make a change in these issues refuse to do so because they value their money over the wellbeing of the people they represent. Which, in a country dominated by evangelical ideals, isn't very evangelical at all.
That's a lot to sit with. I don't know what else there is to say about this past week's horrific events that hasn't already been said and what else there is to say about capitalism prepping us for holidays six months early. I'm just really tired and feel like the world will keep turning and the next hot news cycle will come and go, leaving this one long forgotten about. So, this summer, I will not try to be hot (aesthetically or temperature wise) and I will most likely be found under a cool blanket in my apartment, pushing away any preconceived notions that I have to be or do anything in order to feel like I have earned my worth for my place on this planet. I will also need to monitor my social media intake (feel like I say this on every blog post) because I can't be at work tearing up over what's going on in the world. I hope you are doing well, dear reader, and I will see you on my next post.
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